by Nathan McDermott
One of the great luxuries queer people have is that we aren’t restricted by tradition when it comes to love. Straight people are told the pinnacle of love is a long, monogamous marriage that produces children. Queer people hear the same story, but at some point, they realize they aren’t straight and can’t conform to that expectation. This is often a painful moment at a young age, but it contains the seeds of liberation.
Natural Pursuits recently conducted a survey of 167 mostly queer men on love, relationships, friendships, and sex and the various ways they overlap. This isn’t a scientific survey, so there may be some built-in biases, but the results show a deep desire to find love, which is unbound by traditional views of what a relationship should look like.
Most respondents were satisfied with their love life and their sex life, but this just scratches the surface. A deep dive into the data reveals the myriad of individualized ways queer men pursue (and achieve) romantic and sexual satisfaction in their relationships.
Numerous relationship types, tailored to the individual’s needs
No one kind of relationship status dominated, but 29.3% of respondents said they are in a conventional, monogamous relationship. This is nearly tied with the number who said they were in a partnered and open relationship, at 26.9%. Another 27% said they were single or solo. The remainder fell into non-traditional categories.
Current Relationship Status
This diversity masks an even more complex, individualized view of relationships. When allowed to select multiple types of preferred relationship dynamics, respondents made it clear that they don’t feel limited to just one.
“I think love is an ever-evolving thing that doesn’t have to stay rigid or fall into one category. The beauty of queer existence is we don’t have to follow one set of conformity, set-up by what is deemed correct.”
Anonymous Respondent
Many respondents felt the same way and said they spent years in a monogamous relationship but, over time, grew unsatisfied sexually despite still loving their partner. By communicating and trusting each other, they were able to open up their relationship and felt even closer afterward. Still, others said exploring nonmonogamy made them realize their relationship was over and amicably ended things while remaining friends.
Don’t fret if you don’t think nonmonogamy isn’t for you. Several respondents said they were years or decades into a monogamous relationship and were just as in love and satisfied as ever.
The role of friendship
For most respondents, the love and support of friends is just as important as the love and support they find in romantic relationships.
Some respondents expected and received more support from their friends than romantic partners. “I’ve felt more secure with my friends than my partner,” said one person. “My friends (mainly women) and chosen family provide more gentleness even with harsh truths.”
Others acknowledged that the line between romantic partner and friend can sometimes blur but that it’s not a bad thing. “Friends to the end, I know I can rely on them for anything. But some of my friends have also been romantic partners at times too. I think the more you get to know someone – emotionally, physically, romantically, sexually- the more you can lean on them to support you.”
Not everybody is blissfully happy with their friendships. The loneliness epidemic plaguing modern society affects queer people too, and several respondents expressed loneliness at their lack of a strong friend group. Others had friends but felt alienated from them. “Friends are usually much more judgmental than romantic relationships,” said one respondent.
Anecdotal, though, queer men seem more comfortable expressing love towards their friends than straight men do. And the form this love takes is dependent on the individual, just like romantic relationships. Some people have sex with their friends, others don’t but rely on them emotionally as much or more so than they do their partners.
Most are satisfied with their love life…
One of the most pleasant findings from the survey was how many queer men are satisfied with their love life. When asked to grade their love life on a scale of 1 to 5, 56.2% chose a four or five. If we take a three-point rating to mean “somewhat satisfied,” then 74.8% of respondents are somewhat to very satisfied with their love lives.
The findings are particularly praiseworthy when you consider that so many queer men have had trauma and self-loathing along their journey to coming to terms with their identity. As society becomes more open to queer people and nontraditional relationships, these traumas should become less common. Until then, having three-fourths of respondents express satisfaction with their love life is something of a miracle.
How satisfied are you with your love life
But fewer are satisfied sexually
When participants were asked how satisfied they were with their sex life, again on a scale of 1 to 5, they expressed lower rates of satisfaction. Just 59.9% of respondents said they were somewhat to very satisfied with their sex life. This is 15 points lower than the number of respondents who were somewhat to very satisfied with their love life. This is particularly notable by the low number, only 8.4%, of people who chose the top grade, a five rating.
How satisfied are you with your sex life
A 2022 poll from The Survey Center on American Life asked the general public (ie, mostly straight people) their views on sex, and 65% said they were somewhat satisfied to completely satisfied with their sex life.
The idea that mainstream America has better sex than queer men is a hard pill to swallow, but it may not be as implausible as it first appears. Any pollster will tell you it’s folly to compare polls from two different pollsters. Methodologies and other factors are different between different surveys, making a one-to-one comparison difficult. Also, not to be a homosupremacist, but it’s possible that queer men have a lot more sex than most Americans and have much higher standards about what sexual satisfaction looks like.
On the other hand, many queer men don’t embody the perpetually horny, oversexed stereotype that permeates mainstream and queer society. It’s possible some of our respondents see that stereotype and feel anxiety by comparison.
Such reasonings are impossible to extract from our survey, so it’s best not to read into them too much. Still, the sex life/romantic life disparity is worth noting.
Good sex leads to good love
Another notable takeaway is the direct correlation between sexual satisfaction and romantic satisfaction. Of 14 people who rated a five for their sex life satisfaction, 13 of them also rated a five for their love life satisfaction (the remaining person rated a four). Of the 48 people who rated a four for their sex life, 15 rated a five for their love life, and 29 rated a four for their love life.
Somewhat confusingly, there was a weaker correlation between having a good love life and having a good sex life. People who rated their love life as a four or five generally gave high marks for their sex life, but some gave low grades of twos and ones.
This makes sense, though; great sex usually requires some communication. Love, however, works in mysterious ways, and people often fall in love without planning to. If trouble in bed arises, it can be difficult to tell a person you care about that they’re not meeting your needs. It need not be this way. There’s no shame in telling your partner what you want. You don’t have to deliver it as a criticism. So less “I don’t like it when you do this,” and more “Could you do this? I really like it.”
Acknowledging Asexual and Aromantic Perspectives
It’s essential to recognize the diversity within the queer community, including those who identify as asexual (having little or no sexual attraction to others) and aromantic (having little or no romantic attraction to others).
For individuals with these identities, satisfaction in relationships can be deeply fulfilling and meaningful without the presence of sexual or romantic attraction as traditionally defined. This understanding encourages a broader view of intimacy and partnership, one that values emotional connections, companionship, and mutual respect above all.
Conclusion
There are countless other takeaways from our survey. But the one that stands out the most is that love takes an infinite number of forms, and these forms vary from person to person. These forms change and grow along with our own growth. So, if you’re looking for love, don’t limit yourself or your expectations.
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