In the years before the Pandemic, I was in the best shape of my life. I ran multiple marathons, I lifted, I dieted, at one point I got my Body Fat percentage down to 8%. I was so proud of myself; I thought I showed the world how tough I was, how hard-working I was. All the things the Diet and Fitness and Fashion industries tell you that you are if your body meets the standards of Leanness and Muscularity that put you at the top of the Body Hierarchy, the concept that some bodies are worth more than others.

Then the Pandemic hit. I lost work, my partner lost work, we didn’t have access to gyms, we started drinking cocktails most evenings. Maybe this is a familiar story: I gained a few pounds. No worries, we weren’t really going anywhere. Then a series of physical setbacks entered the picture. I tore off a toenail with a kettlebell during a home workout and couldn’t bend my toe for months; I developed Tennis Elbow in both elbows doing push-ups at home. Gyms reopened that fall, but I was unable to do a lot of things because of my Physical Therapy. In March of 2021, I fell at the gym and spent a night in the hospital with a concussion. I couldn’t lift again for a month. The setbacks kept coming. 

My response to the ladder of the Body Hierarchy had always been to climb it. At one point in my fitness journey my phone screen was the Kate Moss quote: “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.” Without ever questioning whether leanness and muscularity were objectively better, I set out to FIX my body so that I could benefit from the Hierarchy. I’d been doing this since my Senior year of High School, when I went on my first diet, started running, and lost 10 pounds before graduation.

 If you’ve ever done something like this, have you noticed how much people reinforce this? “OMG, you look amazing. What are you doing?” When I ended a 3-year relationship in 2005, I lost 15 pounds in a month because I was depressed and not eating. People complimented my weight loss and asked me what my secret was. 

According to a January 2017 Attitude UK survey of more than 5,000 readers, more than half of gay male respondents are unhappy with their body, with 84% reporting feeling intense pressure to have a good body. Responding to the question “How happy would you say you are with your body?”: 

49% reported feeling “Unhappy”,

10% said they were “Very unhappy”, 

23% said they felt “Happy”, 

17% reported having “No strong feelings either way”, and 

JUST 1% SAID THEY WERE “VERY HAPPY” WITH THE WAY THEY LOOKED.

Natural Pursuits recent surveys have shown that we’re still experiencing this! While Body Positivity, Body Neutrality, Health at Every Size, and Fat Liberation movements, and even the Fashion Industry have made progress in recent years for women, it’s my opinion that much of Queer Culture is behind in this shift. 

In 2021, facing the prospect that I would not always be able to climb the ladder of Body Hierarchy, knowing that no matter how hard I worked, I wouldn’t be at the top of the ladder, and having experienced struggles with Body Image even when my Body Fat Percentage was 8%, I wanted to do something. I didn’t find much written for me as a gay man, so I started with Girls Gone Strong’s Free 5-Day Body Image Course. They connected me with a lot of exercises and resources, mostly for women, that I was able to read and apply to myself. When I’d completed it, I continued to gather resources, read books, and also information aimed at men or gay men. I pulled that together in my own Free 5-Day Body Image Course for Gay Men. For this article, however, I just want to share 3 of the main ideas that have been most helpful for me in rewriting the story I tell myself about my body. 

Photography in this piece is by James August, taken at our November 2021 Shoot.

QUESTION YOUR BODY STORIES

Have you ever said something like “I’m too thick to wear short shorts,” or “I’m too old to pull off a crop top.” Maybe “I wouldn’t fit in at Equinox” or “I’ll never be fit enough to try CrossFit.” Or “My crush will never notice me with these scrawny arms.”

Whatever you’ve called these before, they’re Body Stories. According to Girls Gone Strong, Body Stories are “the stories we tell ourselves (or the stories other people tell us and we internalize) about our bodies, about our identities, and about our abilities. These stories help us conceptualize who we are in the world, and we hold them as truth.”

When I was just starting out on my fitness journey, I won the top prize for my gym’s 6-Week Transformation contest. I got leaner than I’d ever been, and I was really proud of how hard I’d worked to change my body. I rode that confidence well into the next year. Then I got a new boyfriend, got laid off, moved in with the boyfriend, and started working at a restaurant with delicious food. I put on all the weight I’d lost, and then some. The next time the gym had a party, I stayed home because I didn’t believe I had lived up to the expectations of a winner. I thought the fact that I’d gained the weight back meant I was a failure. I was feeling SHAME over having lost my position in the Body Hierarchy. 

Where does the belief that some bodies are better than others come from? Lots of places! Media, parents, friends, family. For example, why did I think I should go on a diet as a High School senior? 1. The jocks with their athletic bodies were the popular kids at my High School. 2. I was being bullied for being gay (though closeted) and effeminate, and I correlated fitness with masculinity. 3. My dad had yo-yo dieted for years, especially in preparation for big events like a vacation or a work conference. I added all these together in my head and came up with the story that “THINNER IS BETTER.” I didn’t question that, I just set out to make myself better. 

Sonya Renee Taylor writes in her book The Body Is Not an Apology: 

“Body terrorism is a hideous tower whose primary support beam is the belief that there is a hierarchy of bodies. We uphold the system by internalizing this hierarchy and using it to situate our own value and worth in the world. When our personal value is dependent on the lesser value of other bodies, radical self-love is unachievable.”

When I open the Discover page on my Instagram, it feeds me the content of influencers setting nearly impossible standards of leanness and muscularity. With Twitter, TikTok, Instagram, and other visual Social Media, we’re bombarded with pictures of “The Ideal Body.” Perhaps without meaning to, we start to believe that these people with these incredible bodies are more worthy of sex, more worthy of love and belonging. 

Here’s where it may be wise to offer ourselves some self compassion. Queer media is more likely to present male models nude or in sexualized images, and to show primarily lean, muscular men. How long have you been seeing these types of images? Did you consciously choose to internalize this standard of leanness and muscularity? If not, why should you criticize yourself for this? You’re certainly not alone–many others have internalized these ideals and subscribed to them, however subconsciously! You may choose to question the sociocultural ideal, but you can’t question it unless you’re aware to what degree you’ve already internalized it. 

Pull out a piece of paper and write down some Body Stories that come up for you. I’ll start with a few here: 

• Fit people have more sex. 
• People with six pack abs are healthier. 
• Masculine men are hotter. 
• Big pecs and arms are required for circuit parties. 
• Fat people shouldn’t wear bikinis. 
• Being healthy is morally better than being unhealthy. 
• Fat people are lazy. 

Now ask yourself for each one of the stories you’ve written down: 

• Is this objectively true? Can I prove that it’s true?
• Where did this story come from? Did I choose to accept this belief?
• How might I treat myself if I let go of this belief? 

Just as beliefs that uphold White Supremacy have real life consequences for people of color, Fatphobia, Ageism, Sexism, and Transphobia have real life consequences for people living in larger bodies, people aging, and people whose gender or gender expression put them lower in the Hierarchies that we carry about bodies.

Sonya Renee Taylor writes in The Body Is Not an Apology:

“Systems require our active or passive assistance to remain standing. And those consciously or subconsciously invested in and privileged by the system of bodily hierarchy will also have a vested interest in maintaining the present-day order of default bodies…creating collective disruption in the system of body terrorism will require each of us to risk.”

Who’s going to tear down the Bodily Hierarchy? Not the gyms who sell you the hope that you can improve your body with Bootcamps, not the meal services who promise they can help you lose weight, not the people and corporations that benefit financially from your belief that some bodies are better than others, and that you should try to fix your body to make it better than others.

ADJUST YOUR VISUAL INPUTS

Research shows that we subconsciously prefer the body types we see most often. Estimates of how many ads we see per day range from 4000 to 10,000. Per day! Our brain is looking for patterns. That’s it’s job. So your brain sees mostly muscled white men with six pack abs? It decides they must be the best/most valuable. And you start to compare your body with the bodies you see the most. The good news? We can control some of the images we see. 

Marie Kondo writes in The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up:

“Keep only those things that speak to the heart, and discard items that no longer spark joy.”

What happens if you apply The KonMari Method to the media you’re consuming? When you start scrolling Instagram or TikTok today, stop when you see an image that makes you feel less than. You know, you get a little lump in your throat, a little pang of jealousy. You start thinking maybe you shouldn’t have had that bagel for breakfast? You feel guilty that you skipped the gym this weekend? Those feelings. When you see an account that doesn’t make you feel better about yourself? UNFOLLOW. Simple as that. (Nervous about losing touch with that person? Mute their stories and posts for now. You can always undo this.) 

ASK YOURSELF: Does this account bring joy? Does it help me love my body more? Do I feel like being kinder to myself when I scroll this account? No? UNFOLLOW. 

Open up your email inbox. Are there newsletters and daily emails from clothing brands or products that are selling you the idea that buying their product would make you happier? UNSUBSCRIBE. 

What Facebook pages do you follow? What Twitter users? I found myself following a bunch of fitness influencers and models, ostensibly for fitness motivation. But first, it’s important to realize that these people make their living with their bodies. They’re banking on genetics and all the work they have to do to maintain that physique. Then, it’s important to realize that their appearance may not indicate true health. They may be using steroids or engaging in disordered eating to maintain their physique. They may not have healthy blood numbers or healthy supportive relationships. And they may have body image or other mental health struggles, just like the rest of us! But the most important thing to realize is that I don’t have time to reason cognitively with myself every time I see an image that results in losing a comparison battle. It’s much easier to stop seeing these images.

This will be an ongoing project. Maybe you’ll see a post this weekend from someone that doesn’t post often. Maybe someone’s caption will rub you the wrong way. You deserve to create the Feed that supports YOU feeling good. 

What other media do you consume? Television shows? Movies? Where are there subtle messages creeping in that leave you feeling “less than” or not good enough? I was shocked at how quickly revamping my Instagram feed started to make a difference! 

FILL YOUR DAY WITH POSITIVE IMAGES

Now that you’re not following all the Fitness Instafluencers and Photographers who only photograph cis-gendered, white, able-bodied, lean, muscular men, who do you follow? 

• People who look like you. Are you older? Follow some older celebrities or trainers or people who are staying fit at your age.   
• Accounts that promote hobbies that you love. Love gardening? Follow some gardening accounts. Love gymnastics? Follow the US Olympic Team! Love to cook? Follow cooking accounts for your favorite types of food. 
• Mental Health or Body Positive accounts that remind you of your worth and value. 
• Accounts you can learn from. I started following AntiRacist educators, Body Positive trainers, and even Physical Therapists who talk about how to deal with lower back pain. Social Media has everything! 

Find the accounts that really, truly bring joy! Authors who write fiction you love, Painters who paint bodies of all shapes and sizes and colors, Musicians you love. Celebrities who inspire you. 

And don’t forget to bring up images of people you love! Maybe you put a family photo on your desk at work so you see it every day. Put a photo of you and your best friend on your screensaver. Change your FB photo to your favorite photo of your friend group or you with your cute nephew. We can’t control all the images that cross our vision every day, but we can make sure we see more of the good ones. 

Some Body Positive Media I’ve found: 

@thequeergym	@i_weigh	@iamchrissyking
@justiceroe	@brenebrown	@thegirlsgonestrong
@drjohnberardi	@themollygalbraith	@beauty-redefined
@drjohnberardishow	@jameelajamilofficial	@decolonizingfitness
@stumptuous	@yrfatfriend	@thefuckitdiet
@max_hovey	@ryanoconn	@alokvmenon
@tonygentilcore	@fitness4allbodies	@thebodyisnotanapology
@transyogateacher	@jessikneeland	@fweecarter

LIVE INTO YOUR VALUES

Dr. Lindsay Kite, co-author of More Than A Body, says in her TedTalk:

“Positive Body Image isn’t believing your body looks good; it’s knowing your body IS good, regardless of how it looks.”

You AND YOUR BODY are worthy of love, belonging and connection, exactly as you are. This is sometimes a hard belief to accept. As I started turning away from finding my worth in my body, I found that I had more time and energy to invest in what makes me a good human, not just a good body. If I could never run another marathon, I would still be a good teacher. If I gained 100 pounds, I would still be a loving partner. There are so many ways that I bring value to the world that have NOTHING to do with my body or my appearance. Drs. Lexie and Leslie Kite say in More Than A Body:

“Your body is an instrument, not an ornament.”

You’re not here on earth just to look good, you’re here to DO things!

Take your paper out again and number it 1-10. Then list 10 ways that you bring value to the world that have nothing to do with your looks. Here’s a few examples: 

• I make people laugh.
• I’m a good manager at work and I give great feedback. 
• I create beautiful art.
• I’m a great shower singer. 
• I am kind to people even when they’re unkind to me. 
• I foster dogs that need to be adopted. 
• I visit my grandparents.
• I cook delicious meals for friends. 

How can you connect with your sense of PURPOSE in the world? Brené Brown offers this Living Into Our Values Exercise on her website. If you’d like some help clarifying what matters to you, check it out. You can also listen to her Unlocking Us Podcast episode for a deeper dive. 

When you look back at some of the Body Stories you wrote down in our first exercise, do these Body Stories help you live into your Values? Do they encourage you to spend your time on what matters? When I walk into a room where I’m intimidated by the bodies around me, and OF COURSE THAT STILL HAPPENS, I think about my Values (like Kindness) and what I’m doing in the world to live my Values, and I’m left with a little more confidence to talk to a stranger. Sometimes, the conversation turns to fitness or dieting (I’m a Personal Trainer and Nutrition Coach, after all,) and I’m able to encourage someone to be kinder in the way they talk to themselves about their body. 

My Body Image journey isn’t over, but I’m actively working on it, and I have been for several years. I keep reading, and I keep finding new ways to question what the Fitness and Diet Industries are telling me I should believe about bodies. I’m constantly evaluating the social media I consume, and I keep unfollowing people who promote unhealthy body stories. In addition to Kindness, GROWTH is my other key value. In December of 2021, I decided to attend my first Natural Pursuits gathering, where I knew I would be photographed nude. I was very nervous that day, but I met some incredible people I still see, and though I could look at each of the photos from that day and find something I wish was different about my body, I was proud of myself for walking into fear and being kind to myself. Susan David, author of Emotional Agility, says about courage: 

“Courage is not the absence of fear. Courage is fear walking.”